A page from the life of a shippy's wife

I had been thinking of writing about the life of a shippy's wife after I came across a diary maintained by a mariner that spoke about the hardships and the agony the sailor goes through being away from home for long periods of time. He had everything written from his point of view, somewhere I felt that this officer didn't understand that his wife faced the same and much more as she had to manage her family and kids all by herself and get worried about her man too.

I am married to a mariner and have a lot of friends in that profession, I also know quite a few women married to the mariners. I understand the profession to some extent by now.

Who is a mariner?

They work for shipping companies. Most of them join as cadets right after 12th standard with Science and Maths as their core subjects, some even join after their graduation in Science stream. A student holding a bachelor's degree in Mechanical/ Electrical/ Technology engineering can also join the Merchant navy. 

A career in the merchant navy requires people to be mentally strong physically tough.  They need to be able to adapt to different environments and work cultures. They should be willing to take on responsibility, have  love for adventure and challenges and have a desire to strive for higher positions. They should be able to work as well as study for examinations in between. They need to be intelligent, intuitive, willing to work in a team, be flexible, be patient, have a liking for solitude, are willing to live away from family and loved ones for long stretches of time. 

Engineers are required to be resourceful and practical, have great skills at Maths and Physics. Have in depth knowledge of the working of different machines and manual dexterity is a must. One should be willing to learn new ways and work with modern technology and be able to work in the deck department as well if need arises. This is the kind of job specification for a career at Sea.

It takes about 2-3 years of sailing as a cadet to become the third officer  then another 2-3 years to become the second officer. Sailing for about the same time, one can go on to become the Chief officer or the First Mate. It takes about 15  years of service in the Merchant Navy to finally adorn the stripes of the captain. (The wait used to be much longer in the olden days probably that's how the stereotype of the captain the grand old man with white hair and beard has remained a symbol of the highest rank in the profession). They need to clear exams at each stage.
For engineers, they can join as engine cadets / fifth engineer / junior engineer. Just like their deck counterparts they also go up the ladder in their careers as the 4th engineer, 3rd engineer, 2nd engineer and then the Chief Engineer.
Some of them even go on to become deck or engine superintendents after successful stint as Masters or Chief Engineers.
They join different shipping companies the employment is on contract. For Cadets the contract can be for 9 months, for junior officers its for about 5 months whereas for the senior officers the contract is generally for 4+_ 1 month. They have the option of  rejoining the same company or going for afresh contract with some other shipping company.
The job is tough, they see only the sea for months. The team is the bare minimum that the company can think of . A large vessel may just have about 20 people to manage the entire show. Captain becomes the teacher /philosopher / trainer/ mentor and the 'Buddha' and in some cases the doctor too. Bosses are extremely demanding and the same moves downwards. The agony is explaining the situation onboard to people (experts) sitting miles away in some other continent, at times the expert advice that they get can be the most illogical one. This is the tricky stuff the captain handles, making  a choice between obeying orders or doing what can save at that moment. The faint hearted  may hang their shoes even before they get worn out. The job is demanding no doubt and not everyone's cup of tea... oh the sea sickness gives me goosebumps. The sea itself can get hostile as pirates operate in certain stretches of the sea around the globe. Everything comes at a price! including the NRE status that others envy.

He at sea and the better half on land - the communication
Today if I need to communicate with my husband I can drop an email to him, if he is at a port can sms him or even try calling the vessel number in case of an emergency. He can be contacted within a few minutes. Of course they don't have their internet connection active throughout the day but the vessel connects to the internet regularly to communicate with their head office or charterers. The message will certainly reach him.

I remember when we got engaged, during our courtship as well as early years of our marriage hubby was Chief officer then. He had limited access to the internet,(in fact he didn't want to use the captain's computer for accessing his emails) so didn't receive emails from him at all. But he would call using the satellite phone or make calls from the local number when the vessel was at a port.

In the olden days it seems communication wasn't that easy, people had to write letters. When I listen to those ladies who wrote letters to their husbands and would wait to hear from them, I feel we are blessed to be having such efficient technology at our disposal. I know of ladies who send emails to their husbands, atleast one everyday, just letting them know whats happening on the home front or how the kids are growing up, or sharing the mischiefs and special moments from the lives of their children. They really don't bother if the mariner was busy and didn't get the time to revert to their email. These ladies keep the communication going and keeping it very healthy. They know what their husbands careers demand and are playing their roles of being the better halves the best that they can!

Some of them feel that their husbands are away for 4 months, but they'd be there for them for the next so many months. Thats certainly good quality time with family. If you look at today's corporate world, the husband and wife are busy with their own careers and can never have the kind of time that they need to devote to their family. For the mariner its 4 months of vacation after putting in about that much of time at work. If you have an office job you can't manage with more than 21 days of leave in a year. The vacation becomes an incentive for the mariner for sure, an incentive for spending days in solitude.

Life of a shippy's wife
'Saat saheliyan' song from the movie Vidhaata, is apt for describing the woes of a new wife being married to the man following a particular profession very seriously.

saat saheliya - khadi khadi fariyaad sunaye ghadi ghadi

The song talks about the complaints that the women share with their girl friends about their husband's professions. How they bring their professions home and expect them to be just like one of their clients!

There are issues that needs to be addressed in every marriage. The solution lies in the understanding that the two individuals have about each other and how they adjust and adapt themselves to make things work for them. Its certainly not about compromises but adjustments is the key.

The issues faced by a shippy's wife are adjusting with the family if the man joins back soon after marriage she needs to understand the family and fit into that; some girls find it difficult. Some who do not follow a professional career have  much time at their hands and don't really know what to do with it so they join  kitty party groups and form a circle of similar friends. Spend time meeting for kitty parties, go shopping, visit salons etc. The weekends might be spend with their parents if they are close by, they feel loneliness often. Some choose to join their husbands and sail with them, infact there are some ladies I know who enjoy this. Its a good getaway from home (responsibilities as well!). Again, for a career woman this is often not possible. This ofcourse changes when kids arrive. Even that is an experience in itself and adventurous one may be. Some of them go through the pregnancy all on their own. Handling the morning sickness, visit to the doctor and the long wait there. They get emotional when they see the others accompanied by their husbands. Some may have gone through the delivery without their husbands reaching home, as no one can predict the exact date of delivery and in spite of planning things well in advance the mariner may not have been able to  make it for the D day. The new dad feels the same emotions but he may never express it. The mother is there welcoming her child and the little bundle of joy is with her but the poor mariner is miles away from home, missing the big moment and worrying about his wife and child.

She single handedly brings up her children. Initial years as a young mother are quite trying, the child falls sick, gets cranky and needs more attention as he too misses his dad. She tries to be a good mom at the same time fill in a bit of the father's shoes too. She handles the birthdays, the school admissions that are like missions to Mt. Everest, it is extremely difficult to get into the most soughted  after schools in the city. School lives of their children bring their own challenges. Being there for all PTMs and other school functions and activities. As the children grow up she needs to match their energies, its tough when she has boys to manage.

So for the mariner who felt that life was quite tough for him, his better half deserves the same appreciation for her efforts.

Now, its not about comparisons and who scores above the other but its all about valuing each other and respecting and appreciating the efforts.

I personally feel that shippies are very simple people, not much in touch with the happenings around. They spend so much time away from home. Most of them start their careers at 18 years or so and then they are away most time of the year. They don't make many friends as they might have not been to a regular college, missed the college fun and socialising during their student years and thus missed opportunities to build great friendships. 

When they have the time while on leave the others are busy juggling their homes and careers. 

These people are also soft targets for ambitious bankers, relationship managers and financial advisors who sell their mutual funds, life insurance instruments and other financial plans to them. Often these financial decisions are not that great. Forget being great they aren't even good!

They are also very vigilant a little noise or some tricky smell in the house can put things on high alert, that might annoy the other family members. But one needs to understand the tough laws that they have to adhere to while sailing has a bit of a bearing in their lives. They are perfectionist when it comes to their work but when at home they warm the sofas as the couch potatoes. Gym membership may be taken as they come all charged up from the ship but the realisation that they are on vacation and need to take life easy sinks in in due course of time and they bid farewell to the gym. Thats perfectly all right and we do respect their decision.

One of my friends mentioned that one had to be a very strong woman to be married to a mariner. I'd say all women are strong and deal with issues. Be it your maid in the house who juggles to make the ends meet, the woman who works at the quarry or the one assisting her husband who is building the road, taking care of the little child who she takes along. The same is the case with the wife of a corporate honcho who works round the clock and has hardly anytime for the lady or the family for that matter. I come from the defence background and I have seen women who manage everything on their own when their husbands are away on duty. I have deep respect for my mom and my mom in law who are two such women. They are instrumental in making us siblings, what we are today. If I compare myself with them I am no where close.

Something that I have often heard, an old saying that, 'A sailor has a wife at every port'... C'mon if you see the way modern ships work and the sailing patterns that they follow, they hardly have any time at ports, most of the time they are standing far in the sea on anchors. Vessels pay to stand at the port, so they are there only till the work of loading or downloading of cargo is happening. Poor men handling one wife at home port is all that they can manage in one lifetime! I still wonder where this saying came from?

To the mariner who thinks that he has the toughest job on earth, please pause and look at the lady in your life who deals with all that and more. To the lady who feels being married to a mariner is the toughest thing and that she is a 'Superwoman' look at the things that the shippy does to make life comfortable and easier for you and supports you emotionally. He may not be there with you physically but he is always around in spirit.

Cheers to the brave men who choose careers at sea and the women in their lives who match them in every possible way!