Arranged togetherness!

Last evening, I saw this contest on indiblogger, about a debate on love or arranged marriages. Hubby was sitting beside me and was reading a book since I wanted to know what he thought about it, I asked him. He redirected the question to me said that he wanted to know my opinion first. I pretended to think deep about it and then gave him a very rounded…. Read it as a diplomatic answer. I said it depends ….What society are the individuals from? whether they live in cities or in the villages? also whether they stay in a joint family or just the two of them etc. Actually it only matters in the first year or two of marriage after that everything is on the same plane. The getting along is better if it’s a love marriage whereas for an arranged marriage it’s a mystery unwinding each day and there’s a surprise element... something to look forward to. But once its past a year or two both the kinds of marriages are on the same plane. I also added that if the couple stay in a joint family, with in-laws, arranged marriages are better as the transition is smoother for the new bride as well as the rest of the family especially in Indian societies. Love marriage may have more love in them …. I teased him as ours is an arranged marriage.

I just took him down the memory lane ...how we met… our marriage!

We met according to a plan. Parents were getting proposals for me, they would meet the boys and then the chosen ones would get to meet me. If we both liked each other then the families would sit together but it never actually happened that way. At that time I was focusing on my career and education and not really looking at marriage. Parents  had asked me to tell them if I had someone in mind but I didn’t. It went on for a couple of years; parents always respected my choice never forcing me to accept a proposal. One such meeting was with Rajesh, through my mom’s friend circle. We both are from the defence background our mothers had common friends. He was invited to our place with his parents. We met one evening in October 2004. After tea with family the elders asked both of us to go to my room and speak to each other.

We both were casually dressed, just ourselves nothing to impress anyone and we got talking. He was frank and spoke everything especially all the negatives that he thought he had. I was told that he was a Physics graduate, a First officer in the Merchant Navy and the eldest of his siblings. Extremely intelligent, having a good personality and very down to earth. I was weighing him on all those parameters. What made me really pay attention to him was that he didn’t speak any of his positive qualities or any quality for that matter!  He only highlighted negatives about him and his profession. Which was so contrary, to the usual talk of saying all things nice, I found him interesting and of course different…. No sparks flew as yet.

After the meeting, mom asked me about Rajesh and I told her that he was okay. She would’ve conveyed it to his mother. Then I didn’t hear anything of him. Our mothers felt that we were a good match and were trying to push things from their side, he went sailing and I was back into my routine work. I didn’t feel like seeing any other proposal. Then one day in the month of April while I was on my way to work, mom called me to say that Rajesh’s mother had called and they both thought that we should get engaged that Friday, 22^nd  April 2004. I wasn’t pleased with mom's arguing. I was working as a Lecturer in a professional college and it was exam time. I told her that it was difficult to manage a day's leave. She started highlighting that it was a nice proposal and started complaining that I didn’t listen to her, the usual emotional talk. Giving in, I told her that I would try. That day I walked straight to the principal’s office requested for leave that Friday saying that I was getting engaged and that even I got to know just that very day. We made some changes in the practical schedule and I got the leave sanctioned. In the evening my brother and I were going looking for a venue for the engagement. As we were driving, my brother  asked me whether I was happy. I told him that it was okay….he stopped the car , told me what else did I want, being from the shipping industry himself he said that Rajesh was a great guy, he had a good personality, he was earning well and he was a fabulous human being. It should not be just okay but I should feel happy about it. I accepted that and my confused mind was settling a bit.

We fixed a venue for our engagement, mothers were happy as our horoscopes had matched perfectly. Everyone was gearing up for the engagement. I called up my friends and told them that I was getting engaged in 3 days. Everyone was surprised but happy for me at the same time. Finally I met my would- be on our engagement day. Then we started calling up each other and getting to know each other better.  Once he was coming back from his office and told me that he could pick me on his way back, He asked me to come to the point from where he could pick me. I told this to my mom, He picked me up and we just talked as he was driving, and he dropped me home. When I rang the door bell, mom was surprised to see me early. She asked me how I was early as I was to meet Rajesh. She asked whether we both had coffee together. I smiled at the fact that my fiancé didn't even know that he had to make an offer for a cup of coffee. Somehow I liked that. Even now I tease him about it and he says that he didn't know a thing about dating and how come I didn't tell him either. He remembers what I wore that day and how I looked. Every time we pass that place where he picked me from he mentions it.

 He had to join back in the first week of May. We started sending emails to each other. I would wait to hear from him, would read the sms that he would send while at a port over and over again, in fact my phone couldn’t store so much of data so I started writing all the sms in a diary. It was a time for communication.

He came back home after 4 months. Our wedding date was fixed for December 14^th 2005. This was our real courtship we learnt everything about each other, about our families and the love grew into trust and friendship. I also learnt that he too had met a few of the proposals for him and nothing created that ‘wow’ factor for him. When his mother asked him to meet me, he had said that this was the last girl he was seeing. He often teases me with save the best for the last. I thank God for being that ‘last girl”. Finally the D- day arrived and we had one of the perfect weddings! Typical North Indian affair going into several days. As I moved into his home I felt that I knew everything as we had talked about it all. Though we are from different communities, the difference was hardly felt. We were blessed with our elder son Arnnav in 2006 and younger son Abhinav was born in 2009. We both feel that ours was an arranged love match! We have learnt to appreciate not just each other’s opinions and beliefs but also each other’s interests. He has been my biggest critique and a true friend. We do have our differences and our dose of couple fights but what remains is we have immense respect for each other as individuals and we take pride in each other’s achievements. So for me arranged love marriage is the best!

This story is written for LoveYaArrange contest on indibloggers,

www.facebook.com/LoveYaArrange.

A trip to Bangalore, Mysore, Coorg and Ooty.

This is about a trip that we planned just on the go. It was June…. time for monsoons in the coastal regions of India and heat in the plains. I had 2 weeks’ vacation, Hubby was returning home after his sailing and kids were just going back to school. Anyway thought if they don’t attend school in the initial week but travel to some great locations even that too is learning.. is what I kept telling myself (may be my guilty conscious speaking). Was wondering where to go?  Thought of Bangalore in Southern India, we had good 15 days at hand so also included Mysore, Coorg and Ooty. Booked hotels, arranged for a car for use while we were there and told the kids and hubby about my plans. Kids were thrilled and so was hubby dearest. He had something good to look forward to apart from seeing his family after a good four months! We were on a holiday from the 20th  to the 30th of June 2012.

We left for Bangalore from Mumbai on the 20^th of June 2012. Checked in at The Park, Bangalore. First on the list was Bannerghatta National park situated 22 km south of Bangalore.  This hilly place is the home for one of the richest natural, zoological reserves. It is spread over  25,000 acres making it a major tourist attraction.

At the Park Bangalore

Bannerghetta National park

 We started at 1.30 pm from our hotel at MG Road and it took us a little over an hour to reach. We got ourselves the tickets and waited to go on a safari through the national park in a mini (safari) bus. It was for about two and a half hours. There are different zones inside the park. One for Elephants, then the lion, the tiger, bear and other animals. Since it was afternoon we found the animals resting. The kids were delighted sighting the animals. We all took pictures as we passed by or stopped when animals were right in front of our vehicle. We enjoyed the safari.

RVM Shiva Mandir

In the next section of the national park was the Butterfly Park and the zoo, it is the country's first Butterfly Park established in 2006. Both the places were amazing… saw many animals and birds as well as colourful butterflies. We got back to the hotel in the evening and relaxed there. The next day we planned to visit the RVM Shiva temple. The beauty of this temple is the large statues of Lord Ganesha and Lord Shiva. It also has the replicas of the 12 Jyotirlingas. For me this experience was certainly very fulfilling as it’s my desire to visit all the Jyotirlingas across India. We headed for the Lalbaug the botanical garden after the temple visit. It is spead over a large area and has some of the best flora and fauna. The trees are spectacular. One could easily spend an entire day here. There was the mango festival being organized at the time of our visit, we saw a good variety of mangoes and also had some fresh fruit juices. We loved walking through the serenity of the garden. Headed back to the hotel and had a amazing dinner at the Italian restaurant.

On the third day we wanted to visit the ISKON temple in Bangalore. Inaugurated in 1997 it’s one of the best I have visited so far. Loved the architecture of the temple. The experience was wow! We got back to the hotel, went for a swim with the kids. Had some fabulous snacks and mocktails while we relaxed in the colourful gazebos by the poolside.

Mysore Palace

Science Museum

Day four, we were leaving for Coorg via Mysore. The idea was to start very early reach Mysore which is about 3 hours drive from Bangalore by 11 am. We saw the Mysore palace. It is truly magnificent. We were taken away by its grandeur. While in Mysore the palace is a must see.

 We skipped the Mysore zoo as time didn’t permit and we had anyway been on a safari at the Banneghatta. We did some shopping for silk sarees and the local specialties at Mysore, Had the South Indian thali for lunch and headed for Coorg.

The drive was very picturesque. Coorg or Kodagu as it is known now, is an astonishing land in the heart of the southern Indian peninsula. This unspoilt “country of million hills”, situated on the slopes of the Western Ghats, is India' s coffee bowl. The tiny district in the state of Karnataka is the biggest producer of coffee. Madikeri or Mercara as it was known when it was once ruled by the British, is the district headquarters and situated at an elevation of 1,140m. Dotted with red-tiled bungalows, the town has an old world charm about it. The British who colonized Coorg and set up coffee plantations prior to Independence, compared Coorg to Scotland as both the places had grand and regal highlands with a sturdy mountain-dwelling race. We reached our hotel in the evening, Found the clum Mahindra Kodagu Valley resort extremely beautiful, it is amidst greenery and beautiful gardens. Loved our spacious apartment. The view from our room was was breathtaking.

The first morning we explored the hilly town of Medikeri and went to the ancient Omkareshwar shiva temple and then see the Raj Seat Raja' s Seat, which commands a view of beautiful green hills and valleys, and the Abbey falls and Talcauvery, 44 km from Madikeri, a pilgrimage center where the mighty Cauvery river takes its birth. We were back to the hotel by evening. The following day we wanted to visit the surrounding tourist attractions.

Golden Temple

 Bylekuppe near Kushalanagar is one of the largest Tibetan settlements in south India. The settlement, set up in 1960, is dotted with several monasteries and the prominent among these are the Great Gompa of Sera Je and Sera Mey and the Namdroling monastery. The Golden temple monastery  has the gold-coated Buddhist statues, they are imposing and unique, reflecting the rich cultural heritage of the Tibetans. The statues are of Guru Padmasambhava, Buddha Shakyamuni and Amitayus. There are nearly 7,000 monks and nuns. Agriculture is the main occupation. Besides, they make handicrafts, carpets and incense. We shopped for the local specialities here and got mementoes back home. Then we went to the Dubare Forest  famous for its elephant training camp. It is also an ideal place for angling in the swirling waters of the Cauvery. From there we went to the Cauvery Nisargadhama.

Cauvery Nisargdhama

It is a beautiful 64-acre island formed by the river Cauvery. It can be accessed by walking across a hanging bridge. Established in 1989, the picturesque picnic spot with lush foliage of thick bamboo groves, sandalwood and teak trees has lovely river-side cottages. Elephant rides and boating are some of the other attractions. There is a deer park, children's park and orchidarium in the island. Medicinal plants are also grown. Tourists are allowed to get into water at a few shallow and safe points along the river. We all got into the water, there are also a lot of fishes in the river and kids loved feeding the rabbits. Didn’t realize that we had already spend 3 days at Coorg and it was time for us to leave for Ooty on the 27^th of July. We left early morning as it was a good 8 hours drive to Ooty. We had to again go through Mysore.

The drive was beautiful we crossed through the western Ghat mountains. Two national parks the Bandipur National Park in Karnataka and the Mudumalai Wildlife Sanctuary in Tamil Nadu. Then started the climb for Ooty. The roads were really winding with 36 hairpin bends. The weather was just amazing, a bit cloudy and a little drizzle here and there. We were at our hotel Club Mahindra Derby Green Resort by 3 pm. It’s a fine resort overlooking the racecourse. We checked in and left immediately for the Botanical garden.

Botanical garden. Ooty

This garden was laid out in 1847 by the Marquis of Tweedale and is spread over 22 hectares ascending the slopes on the hill at an elevation of 2,400 meters above Main Sea Level. An explicit collection of flowering tress, beautiful shrubs, and rare colored lilies are seen.  Flourishing green well maintained lawns, rare trees species a 20 million year old fossil tree, a monkey’s puzzle tree – monkeys can’t climb this tree though,  theres the Italian - style garden bordering an immense variety of flowering bushes, flowers, and plants , fern house with a vast range of ferns and orchids, a clear pool are some of the highlights of this garden.  It was a perfect evening walking through the garden and children enjoying the roll on the green carpet.

 From there we headed to the boating club where all kinds of boats were available for hire. Surrounded by lofty eucalyptus trees and shrubs the lake was a scenic delight. The lake and the boat house are a hub of entertainment for the visitors. At the boat house end, there is children's park with a toy train. Just outside the Boat house local ponies are available for jolly rides at a charge. 

We took a 4 seater paddle boat for us. We enjoyed the experience; kids were thrilled to see some ducks in the lake.  Kids also did horse riding here. Didn’t have enough time for the amusement Park so skipped it and headed for our hotel. It had started getting quite chilly outside, we put the heater on in our room and watched a movie with kids. Ordered room service and retired for the night.

Next morning, we had south Indian breakfast at a restaurant at the city centre and then visited the Rose garden and the Tea factory.  The rose garden is laid on 10 acres of land. This garden has been beautifully laid out in terraces with rose tunnels, pergolas and bowers with rose creepers. It is said to have the largest collections of roses in the country, around 3600 varieties of roses like Hybrid Tea Roses, miniature rose, Floribunda, Ramblers, roses of unusual colors like black, green to name a few  were assembled from different sources. The ‘Nila Maadam’ is located in a spot from where viewers can see the entire rose garden.  This garden is maintained by Tamil Nadu Horticulture Department. It has also received the as "Garden of Excellence" by the World Federation of Rose Societies (WFRS) in 2006.

Then we headed to the Doddabetta Peak which stands at an altitude of 2,623 meters. It is the highest point in in Ooty as well as the  best vantage point. It is 10kms from Ooty and is said to be one of the highest peak in south India.  There is a Telescope house that is run by the Tamil Nadu Tourism Development Corporation to enable the tourist to get a better view of the city.

 Next on the agenda was a ride in the historic toy train for which we had reserved our seats. We were at the Ooty station well on time to take the 2 pm train. Out ticket was from Ooty to Mettupalayam, the last station but we decided to board the train at Ooty and travel till Conoor which is the 5^th station from Ooty and takes a little over an hour.

Established in the early 19th century by the British as the summer headquarters of the Chennai government. The historic railway line was completed in 1899, 45 years after the first plans were drawn up. It runs from Metupalayam to Udagamandalam (Ooty), via Coonoor, in the Nilgiri Hills. The track is 46 kilometers (28.5 miles) long, and passes over 26 viaducts, and through 16 tunnels and tall girder bridges. This railway is particularly picturesque because of the surrounding rocky terrain, tea plantations, and forested hills. We had a fabulous journey till Conoor. The train stops at Connor for about 20 minutes, then the engine is changed to the steam engine. We had our car waiting for us there. After seeing the steam engine being attached to the bogies of the train we had coffee there and left to see the SIMS garden. The drive back to the hotel in Ooty was equally pleasant. We shopped for some homemade chocolates, tea, Eucalyptus oil, honey etc and had dinner at a local restaurant.  The next morning, we left for Bangalore early It was about 8 hours journey. We had our train back to Mumbai the next day. Overall a fabulous trip we loved every moment. Yes we were lucky not to get the rains at any point during our travel. Reached Mumbai on the 30^th refreshed after a great holiday. 

Omkareshwar temple, Coorg

Abbey falls

White tiger at Bannerghetta National Park, Bangalore

Raja Seat, Coorg

Golden Temple, Coorg

Golden temple, Coorg

Cauvery Nisargdhama

Ooty

Doddabetta peak, Ooty

Toy Train, Ooty

Being able to make a choice

We talk about being liberated, educated living in the modern societies. Are we really that liberated?

Or are we the prisoners in our own homes and professional spheres? Why do I say so?

From the time we are born we are expected to behave in a certain manner by a certain age. If a baby started to roll over and yours didn’t, you’d start looking up on the internet if your child was fine on the development milestone.  Then the teething stage, if your child was late as compared to the other kids everyone would be concerned. This continues through the walking, speaking, eating  stages etc. Then comes the time to get into a school, every parent vies for the best school for their child. A school that has got the reputation of being the best from the community and where getting admission is not just difficult but at times even impossible. Not because it’s the best but because of the hordes of people who queue up outside its premises to get their ward admitted in it. That school is considered to be better than the schools where your child can secure a seat without much of a drama. We create unnecessary stress for the child even at that stage.

Then comes the big question what stream to pursue after the 12^th standard. Again in our country the student doesn’t make a choice it’s the parental pressure and the pressure from the teachers and peer group. The student takes up the stereotype professions…the ones that are perceived to be the better ones by the society. The talent or the liking of the student doesn’t matter much. When such people enter the work space they are not the best, they are not there whole heartedly, they don’t enjoy what they do… finally they end up becoming frustrated with the routine of the job leading to other ailments mentally, physically and socially. Are such people really the valued human resources?

In this age group the women face even bigger challenges such as being able to have a career or not have any? If they have a career and somewhere they are not able to balance their career with their personal lives that is, personal responsibilities. They face the pressures of the peer group and society at large.  If she decides to hang up her professional boots and be a home maker to bring up her kids, she is again under pressure of not returning to work. She is fine with her life at that stage but others keep asking her why she hasn’t returned to her workplace where she was such a star performer. 

There are various pressures that we face right from having a child of the particular gender. The institution of marriage is truly an institution here in our society where we have our say on an arranged marriage, a love marriage, an inter caste and inter religious marriages. We don’t really care about how compatible and happy the couple will be. We are torn between the conservative and the modern thinking. Somewhere we are neither.  Every thinking has its guidelines and pros and cons we are at a stage probably where we fit in neither. It’s time for introspection.

Now are we liberated? If we are then how come we are always under the pressure of being what we truly are not. When we can’t even make a choice when it comes to our own lives who are we to judge others when we don’t even know the journey that they have walked. For us the biggest freedom and liberation is being able to make a choice. 

A love story... is it?

Ours is a different story…  how love happened to us.

We met according to a plan. Parents were getting proposals for me, they would meet the boys and then the chosen ones would get to meet me. If we both liked each other then the families would sit together. I was focusing on my career and education and not really looking at marriage. They had asked me to tell them if I had someone in mind but I didn’t. It went on for a couple of years, parents always respected my choice never forcing me to accept a proposal. One such meeting was with Rajesh, through my mom’s friend circle. We both are from the defence background our mothers had common friends. He was invited to our place with his parents. We met one evening in October 2004. After tea with family the elders asked both of us to go to my room and speak to each other.

We both were casually dressed, just ourselves nothing to impress anyone and we got talking. He was frank and spoke everything  negative that he thought he had. I was told that he was a Physics graduate, a First officer in the Merchant Navy and the eldest of his siblings. Extremely intelligent, having a good personality and very down to earth. I was weighing him on all those parameters. What made me really pay attention to him was that he didn’t speak any of his positive qualities or any quality for that matter!  He only highlighted negatives about him and his profession. Which was so contrary to the usual talk of saying all things nice, I found him interesting and of course different…. No sparks flew as yet.

After the meeting, mom asked me about Rajesh and I told her that he was okay. She would’ve conveyed it to his mother. Then I didn’t hear anything of him. Our mothers felt that we were a good match and were trying to push things from their side, he went sailing and I was back into my routine work. I didn’t feel like seeing any other proposal. Then one day in the month of April while I was on my way to work, mom called me to say that Rajesh’s mother had called and they both thought that we should get engaged that Friday, 22^nd  April 2004. I wasn’t pleased with mom started arguing that I was working as a Lecturer in a professional college and it was exam time, how could I manage a leave. She started highlighting that it was a nice proposal and started complaining that I didn’t listen to her, the usual emotional talk. Giving in, I told her that I would try. That day I walked straight to the principal’s office requested for leave that Friday saying that I was getting engaged and that even I got to know just that day. We made some changes in the practical schedule and I got the leave sanctioned. In the evening my brother and I were going looking for a venue for the engagement. As we were driving, my brother  asked me whether I was happy. I told him that it was okay….he stopped the car , told me what else did I want, being from the shipping industry himself he said that Rajesh was a great guy, he had a good personality, he was earning well and he was a fabulous human being. It should not be just okay but I should feel happy about it. I accepted that and my confused mind was settling a bit.

We fixed a venue for our engagement, mothers were happy as our horoscopes had matched perfectly. Everyone was gearing up for the engagement. I called up my friends and told them that I was getting engaged in 3 days. Everyone was surprised but happy for me at the same time. Finally I met my would- be on our engagement. Then we started calling up each other and getting to know each other better.  Once he was coming back from his office and told me that he could pick me on his way back, He asked me to come to the point from where he could pick me. I told this to my mom, He picked me up and we just talked as he was driving, and he dropped me home. When I rang the door bell, mom was surprised to see me early. She asked me how I was early as I was to meet Rajesh. She asked whether we both had coffee together. I smiled at the fact that my fiance didn't even know that he had to make an offer for a cup of coffee. Somehow I liked that. Even now I tease him about it and he says that he didn't know a thing and how come I didn't tell him. He remembers what I wore that day and how I looked. Every time we pass the place where he picked me from he mentions it.

 He had to join back in the first week of May. We started sending emails to each other. I would wait to hear from him, would read the sms that he would send while at a port over and over again, in fact my phone couldn’t store so much of data so I started writing all the sms in a diary. It was a time for full communication.

He came back home after 4 months. Our wedding date was fixed for December 14^th 2005. This was our real courtship we learnt everything about each other, about our families and the love grew into trust and friendship. I also learnt that he too had met a few of the proposals for him and nothing created that ‘wow’ factor for him. When his mother asked him to meet me, he had said that this was the last girl he was seeing. He often teases me with save the best for the last. I thank God for being that ‘last girl”. Finally the D- day arrived and we had one of the perfect weddings! Typical North Indian affair going into several days. As I moved into his home I felt that I knew everything as we had talked about it all. Though we are from different communities, the difference was hardly felt. We were blessed with our elder son Arnnav in 2006 and younger son Abhinav was born in 2009. We both feel that ours was an arranged love match! We have learnt to appreciate not just each other’s opinions and beliefs but also each other’s interests. He has been my biggest critique and a true friend. We do have our differences and our dose of couple fights but what remains is we have immense respect for each other as individuals and we take pride in each others achievements.