Can't say goodbye to my sailor!

The making of a queen

I recently discovered that a sailor’s wife is actually called a Queen! Late discovery but the feel of it has been there for ages. After the late discovery…. why is it sounding like a late harvest to me? May be I am putting all those moments as ingredients for making a good wine! Wine has clarity, taste, body, maturity and something unique to it in terms of being sweet, woody, earthy, or may be just plain dry! Let’s see what has made this wine strong, if it can be called so!

We were travelling across the state of Kerala (India) after our marriage. We spent almost half a month there. It was my choice for a honeymoon destination, over hubby's Maldives beach holiday. Reason? I’ve grown up in Kerala and love its people and culture. Childhood memories and growing up years are always special. I wanted him to connect with the place I had so many fond memories of.

In fact I use every opportunity to travel to the state and at every time possible! 

We were at the ancient palace at Trivandrum, the capital of Kerala, clicking pictures like newly married couples do, and other tourists would offer to click some for us. There were no selfies those days, you see! An elderly lady who was sitting there, reminiscing in the beauty of the palace was watching us. She told my husband to always treat me like a queen. I really liked the way she said it, that brought a smile on his face and I could see sincerity and love in his eyes. It’s been many years but I have remained his queen, he never ceases to treat me like one. 

A queen has to always hold her head high 

Where does the strength come from? I guess it's just harnessed from within. She has to play multiple roles that of a wife, mother, son to the in laws and man of the house most of the times in her sailor's absence. The most difficult time for her is when the sailor is all set to join back on work. 

It isn’t any easy for him either. He starts preparing for it weeks in advance. It's more of an emotional preparation rather than collecting items on the packing list or completing errands on the 'to do' list. He’s going to be away from family, his near and dear ones for long. He may get to speak to them but it won’t be that regular. His children are going to achieve small milestones that he might miss. He also would miss the little family events children’s or his spouse’s birthdays, his anniversary or the festivities. He’s going to be away from all of the little joys of life. He prepares in his heart and mind to detach and be ready for the call of his duty. He knows he’s doing all this for his family, for their happiness. He thinks like a provider. The logic gets the better of him and the sailor is all set to go, sign on for his duty.

The queen prepares herself too. Showing all the strength that she can and keeping a smile on her face, assuring her man that she'll be fine and so will be everything else.

On a deeper level she starts missing him right from the moment there is an intimation of his joining back, missing him even before he left. Trying to, soak in as much as she could. Making him talk just to hear his voice, looking at his face and make a mental note of every fine line that might have appeared. Every mole that might have pronounced itself and see how broad his smile could get. These are the things that'll keep her going month after month till she meets her man again. This wait will never be easy but it'll certainly be 'worth it' in every single way!

Distance is to love like wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great!

The distance is just a matter of separating two in physicality but the hearts are connected. This connection strengthens the relationship and the love grows deeper. The countdown begins the day he leaves home and every passing day brings him closer home; with the hope of fair winds and following seas always.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it. ~ Helen Rowland

PS: pictures are taken from google with due credits

Invest in relationships!

Mom in law and I were having a very meaningful conversation, it started just as a tea time talk though, me having tea and she telling me why I shouldn't have so much of it! Afterall the Saas- Bahu relationship is such, Ekta Kapoor created Indian television history, and had soaps that completed golden, diamond and platinum jubilees. Her daily soaps running successfully over decades. She probably knew what Indian women wanted to see, not just Indian but the neighboring countries and the NRI community all over the world. Not generalizing or stereotyping anyone but there were fans! Though I wasn't tuned to any but had a fair idea of some of them that my mother or mother in law watched.

Coming to where I started, our conversation, mom in law's friend's son had separated from his wife and the reason apparently was that she didn't want to stay with his parents leading to a situation,"Either them or me". This was not one odd incident but have heard of quite a few in the recent times. Its unfortunate that people end a beautiful relationship based on such reasons. Assuming that's the reason though! I guess people try everything possible to make things work before they decide to quit or leave. 

We are living in the times where each one of us has an opinion and expresses it at the drop of a hat. There's big data generated and is readily available for use. Who are these opinion makers? They are mostly the people who are single, not favouring marriage either as an institution or as a lived experience; married people who are either pro arranged marriages or the ones who strongly favour the love marriages. These people never lose any opportunity to stereotype marriages or married couples. This can be a classic example of, life is simple but we insist on making it complicated. It is said that life is the toughest exam and most of the people fail because they copy others but the fact remains that each gets a different question paper!

I am not an expert on relationships, so looked at my own life, its easy to take pages out from there. Probably to see what created and cemented the relationship and bonds around me.

Ours is an arranged marriage, me coming from a small family and brought up not typically like the girls of my generation were. Someone who was independent, who had been given all freedom to choose what she liked and be what she wanted to be. I am forever grateful to my parents for that. 

When I was moving to my in laws house, my dad was extremely emotional and he said just one thing to me, "Now you have another set of parents, love them just the way you loved us" Nothing else. That has been my takeaway; the most precious possession I carried with me. Today I understand that better.

Its never easy or smooth going for any girl moving to another household. There are differences, more than that the girl is different in the sense that she moves to another role. From being a daughter she graduates to a daughter in law. Not that the man doesn't feel the change, in fact some are so scared that they don't want to get into the institution of marriage at all. All thanks to the stereotypes created around them and my husband was one so I know.

Law becomes an integral part of her personality. She needs to make her own rules for that law book. That'll involve time, understanding, observing, seeking guidance, following a mentor and so on... the list can be as expansive or as crisp as she likes. It not only takes time, intent and patience to achieve but is also an ongoing process. Its like an SOP that needs review and updates regularly. Relationships need nurturing, period!

How did I make my imaginary  rule book?

My husband and I are persons of quite different construction, bent and of dissimilar views. To say opposites attract will hold good in our case too. Attract is one thing but remaining attracted is quite another. Over the years we have learnt to respect each other's views, personalities and ideologies. We try not to interfere or create influence on each others lives anymore. This has taken time and our energies to reach where we are today. Husband is taken care of what about in laws? 

When I came into the new household, I just did whatever I understood from my dad's precious gift, his advice. Tried not to interfere be it in the rules of the family, the kitchen or the decor of the house. My room was my perspective but the rest of the house would continue to be getting the patronage from Mom in law. Biggest family feuds happen in the kitchen they say.

Non interference and respect for each others opinion has been the strength in my family. In laws have treated me like a daughter in fact even better, I only put them at the same place as my own parents.

Infact over the years, have realised that we are quite dependent on each other emotionally, we seek suggestion, support and even take decision as a team? So its me and my in laws as a team, at times even husband in not in the picture! I believe, to get cent per cent from relations you need to give ten times more. Its an investment, that has plentiful rewards, above all it gives happiness and creates harmony. 

So the people who have not lived in the system, can never know the joys of it from a distance. Not having invested enough time you walk out with too little, at times it could only be half baked. That haste can break the relationship as it happens in some cases.

Living with in laws has so many pluses that one must consider a blessing and truly His grace bestowed on you! It gives you the freedom to pursue what you desire never having to worry about who'll be behind managing things back home. You must also give room to the their freedom, step in whenever needed. Children have a balance and healthy environment to grow up in. They learn the values of respect, love, caring, sharing all simply while growing up. Humility is automatically instilled in them. Living in a bigger family system, children learn and know by observation rather than pasting family trees in their school notebooks. They live as a branch of that tree that has deep strong roots built by every member contributing to the purpose. A great family or a relationship is the one where each one takes your problem as his or her own and you are never left to face it alone. Wouldn't victory come to that relationship or the family?

The older you get the more you realise that it isn't about material things, ego or pride but its about the things in your hearts and who it beats for. If caught in a tricky situation when it comes to relationships, one must tackle that fear as Face Everything And Rise rather than 'forget everything and run'.

Invest in people who invest in you and time is that commodity or the asset. There's certainly no other way to invest in a relationship without investing your time!

PS: Pictures are taken from google, with due credits for representational purpose. 

How a modern man complements his lady

“This is a woman’s job! Men can’t be doing it….” How often have you heard this? I am sure a lot of times. There are stereotype roles for both men and women. Women take care of the home, bring up children and manage the kitchen. Men on the other hand earn and provide for the family. They are supposed to run the outdoor errands. This has been the role-play traditionally followed; probably it came from times when the man was a hunter. Times have changed and roles have followed a drastic alteration from the ancient times. Have we really moved on and adapted to the changes?  Needless to say traditional gender role model may work for some couples but mostly with both the partners having their careers, especially talking about urban areas; it’s not the best option. Villages have their own set of issues. I have seen the women there stretch themselves beyond all boundaries. They manage their home, children, families and also take up something to supplement the family income. All praises for them but it’d be so much easier if they got the due support especially from their better halves. I may not be correct here but it has been an observation.

Just the other day, I met an old student of mine, who is a young mother and has a full time demanding job too. I asked her how she was doing and how was life at this juncture. She had lost a lot of weight and looked much older than her age. She shared her daily routine with me and how managing the home, young child and career was a huge challenge for her. She did everything from preparing breakfast, keeping things ready for the child for the entire day, going to work, coming back home in the evening, preparing dinner and finally calling it a day after doing the dishes and everyone had gone to sleep. This was the story the entire week. When asked about getting help at home, she said that she had a very loving husband but he didn’t contribute to any household chores, not even taking the child out to play. She also said that the decision to have a career was all hers so she had to deal with it. I could identify with what she said, that’s the story of a lot of career women. It also saddened me with their plight.

I am so blessed to have a supporting family for which I shall always be very grateful. Coming to think of it, I guess families create cultures that they operate in. My mother in law is a very strong lady; she believes in doing her own things rather than depending on others. She inculcated in her children, especially her sons the need to help around, even doing the household chores. She had work given to everyone, the results of that kind of upbringing are clear to see. All help is there from my husband when he is home, we work like equals and we are a team!

It is important in all relationships to balance things out and share responsibilities. No one feels taken for granted. When we value each other, it is shown through the little things that we do for each other. Helping around preparing a meal, getting the children ready for school, making the beds, setting the washing machine or getting that cup of tea after a long day of work really goes a long way. Such gestures not only show that the husband values you as an individual but also makes the bond of love stronger. These little things that we share do proclaim love, caring and appreciation for one another.

Relationships are to be cherished, what better way than finding happiness in creating that respect and dependability.

How love happened to us......

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.~ Lao Tzu

It was 2004, I was focusing on my career and education and not really looking at marriage. Parents had asked me to tell them if I had someone in mind, what they wanted to know was if I was seeing someone. I didn’t and I told them so. It went on for a couple of years, parents always respected my choice never forcing me to accept a proposal just like that. One fine day, since I wasn't talking about anyone to my parents they fixed a meeting with Rajesh, through my mother’s friend circle. We both are from the defence background and our mothers had common friends. He was invited to our place with his parents. After tea with family the elders asked both of us to go to my room and speak to each other. Funny but this is how it is in arranged marriages in India!

We both were casually dressed, just being ourselves nothing to impress anyone, and we got talking. He was frank and spoke everything  negative that he thought he had. I was told that he was a Physics graduate, a First officer in the Merchant Navy and the eldest of his siblings. Extremely intelligent, having a good personality and very down to earth. I was weighing him on all those parameters. What made me really pay attention to him was that he didn’t speak of any of his positive qualities, or any 'quality' for that matter!  He only highlighted negatives about him and his profession which was so contrary to the usual talk of saying all things nice. I found him interesting and of course different…. No sparks flew!

After the meeting, mom asked me about Rajesh and I told her that he was okay. She would’ve conveyed it to his mother. Then I didn’t hear anything of him. Our mothers felt that we were a good match and were trying to push things from their side, he went sailing and I was back into my routine work. I didn’t feel like seeing any other 'proposal' read it as another gentleman, after that. Then, one fine day in the month of April while I was on my way to work, mom called me to say that Rajesh’s mother had called and that they both thought  we should get engaged that Friday, 22^nd  April 2004. I wasn’t pleased and I started arguing with her that I was working as a Lecturer in a professional college and it was exam time, how could I manage a leave? She started highlighting that it was a nice proposal and started complaining that I didn’t listen to her, the usual emotional talk. Giving in, I told her that I would try. On reaching college I walked straight to the principal’s office requesting for leave that Friday saying that I was getting engaged and that even I got to know just then! We made some changes in the practical schedule and I got the leave sanctioned. In the evening my brother and I were going looking for a venue for the engagement. As we were driving, my brother  asked me whether I was happy. I told him that it was," Okay"….he stopped the car , told me what else did I want, being from the shipping industry himself he said that Rajesh was a great guy, he had a good personality, he was earning well and he was a fabulous human being. It should not be just okay but I should feel happy about it. I accepted that and my confused mind started to settle a bit.... Probably this was the first platinum moment for me!... special indeed.

We fixed a venue for our engagement, mothers were very happy as our horoscopes had matched perfectly. Everyone was gearing up for the engagement. I called up my friends and told them that I was getting engaged in 3 days. Everyone was surprised but happy for me at the same time. Finally I met my would- be on our engagement day. It was a traditional ceremony with family and close friends. At the time of exchanging rings we found that the sizes were not correct, mine was a bit too tight and his a bit loose. This could have been the result of exchanging the ring sizes on phone, later got to know that the jewellers do not have standard or universal ring sizes and there can be variations. I loved my ring, a nice diamond band but it didn't fit well...in fact we don't wear those rings, they are kept safely! 

He had to join back on work in the first week of May. I didn't even go to see him off at the airport, we just spoke on the phone. When he reached the vessel, he sent me the vessel email address and we started communicating through emails. Not too many as the vessel internet was with the captain and others received a print out of their emails.I would wait to hear from him, would read the sms that he would send while at a port, over and over again; in fact my phone couldn’t store so much of data so I started writing all the sms in a diary. This was platinum moment two!

He came back home after 4 months. Our wedding date was fixed for December 14^th 2005. This was our real courtship we learnt almost everything about each other, about our families and thefriendship grew into trust and love. I also got to know that he too had met a few of the 'proposals' that had come for him and that nothing created that ‘wow’ moment. When his mother asked him to meet me, he had said that I was the last girl he was seeing. He often teases me with, save the best for the last! I thank God for being that ‘last girl'. Finally the D- day arrived and we had one of the perfect weddings! Typical North Indian affair going into several days. As I moved into his home I found our room to be a replica of my room in my parent's house. I was touched beyond words, Rajesh had got the room renovated to make it look just like the one that I was used to living in. That was my platinum moment three!
When I saw the new Asian paints ad recently where they show Capt. Rathore's house, I felt that Capt. Todiwan did that way back in 2005. I felt that I knew everything in my new home as we had talked about it all. Though we are from different communities, the differences were hardly felt. We were blessed with our elder son Arnnav in 2006 and the younger one, Abhinav was born in 2009.

We got busy with our lives, didn't realise how time flew....  Captain sails four months, when he is away from home the communication is generally through emails, now he has the vessel internet so no print outs! He also calls through satellite phone when the vessel is in the mid seas and through calling cards while at a port. This time, he arranged WiFi on board and we chatted on Skype for the first time... this was certainly platinum moment four! 

Yes, we have come a long way indeed from the humble, far and between sms to talking on skype. It was such a pleasure to see my husband onboard going about his regular errands and also getting to see his office and cabin. These things may sound just a matter of fact but for me they are the platinum moments. 

We don't wear our engagement rings but this time when Captain is back home, I shall get the platinum love bands celebrating the eternal love, trust and friendship that we share and that shall be our Platinum Day of Love! We have had numerous platinum moments as these are the little things that make a relationship beautiful.

This post is written for IndiBlogger Platinum Day of Love

Picture 1. - Rajesh and I on Arnnav's 5th birthday
Picture 2 - Capt. Rajesh Todiwan, onboard the vessel.

Arranged togetherness!

Last evening, I saw this contest on indiblogger, about a debate on love or arranged marriages. Hubby was sitting beside me and was reading a book since I wanted to know what he thought about it, I asked him. He redirected the question to me said that he wanted to know my opinion first. I pretended to think deep about it and then gave him a very rounded…. Read it as a diplomatic answer. I said it depends ….What society are the individuals from? whether they live in cities or in the villages? also whether they stay in a joint family or just the two of them etc. Actually it only matters in the first year or two of marriage after that everything is on the same plane. The getting along is better if it’s a love marriage whereas for an arranged marriage it’s a mystery unwinding each day and there’s a surprise element... something to look forward to. But once its past a year or two both the kinds of marriages are on the same plane. I also added that if the couple stay in a joint family, with in-laws, arranged marriages are better as the transition is smoother for the new bride as well as the rest of the family especially in Indian societies. Love marriage may have more love in them …. I teased him as ours is an arranged marriage.

I just took him down the memory lane ...how we met… our marriage!

We met according to a plan. Parents were getting proposals for me, they would meet the boys and then the chosen ones would get to meet me. If we both liked each other then the families would sit together but it never actually happened that way. At that time I was focusing on my career and education and not really looking at marriage. Parents  had asked me to tell them if I had someone in mind but I didn’t. It went on for a couple of years; parents always respected my choice never forcing me to accept a proposal. One such meeting was with Rajesh, through my mom’s friend circle. We both are from the defence background our mothers had common friends. He was invited to our place with his parents. We met one evening in October 2004. After tea with family the elders asked both of us to go to my room and speak to each other.

We both were casually dressed, just ourselves nothing to impress anyone and we got talking. He was frank and spoke everything especially all the negatives that he thought he had. I was told that he was a Physics graduate, a First officer in the Merchant Navy and the eldest of his siblings. Extremely intelligent, having a good personality and very down to earth. I was weighing him on all those parameters. What made me really pay attention to him was that he didn’t speak any of his positive qualities or any quality for that matter!  He only highlighted negatives about him and his profession. Which was so contrary, to the usual talk of saying all things nice, I found him interesting and of course different…. No sparks flew as yet.

After the meeting, mom asked me about Rajesh and I told her that he was okay. She would’ve conveyed it to his mother. Then I didn’t hear anything of him. Our mothers felt that we were a good match and were trying to push things from their side, he went sailing and I was back into my routine work. I didn’t feel like seeing any other proposal. Then one day in the month of April while I was on my way to work, mom called me to say that Rajesh’s mother had called and they both thought that we should get engaged that Friday, 22^nd  April 2004. I wasn’t pleased with mom's arguing. I was working as a Lecturer in a professional college and it was exam time. I told her that it was difficult to manage a day's leave. She started highlighting that it was a nice proposal and started complaining that I didn’t listen to her, the usual emotional talk. Giving in, I told her that I would try. That day I walked straight to the principal’s office requested for leave that Friday saying that I was getting engaged and that even I got to know just that very day. We made some changes in the practical schedule and I got the leave sanctioned. In the evening my brother and I were going looking for a venue for the engagement. As we were driving, my brother  asked me whether I was happy. I told him that it was okay….he stopped the car , told me what else did I want, being from the shipping industry himself he said that Rajesh was a great guy, he had a good personality, he was earning well and he was a fabulous human being. It should not be just okay but I should feel happy about it. I accepted that and my confused mind was settling a bit.

We fixed a venue for our engagement, mothers were happy as our horoscopes had matched perfectly. Everyone was gearing up for the engagement. I called up my friends and told them that I was getting engaged in 3 days. Everyone was surprised but happy for me at the same time. Finally I met my would- be on our engagement day. Then we started calling up each other and getting to know each other better.  Once he was coming back from his office and told me that he could pick me on his way back, He asked me to come to the point from where he could pick me. I told this to my mom, He picked me up and we just talked as he was driving, and he dropped me home. When I rang the door bell, mom was surprised to see me early. She asked me how I was early as I was to meet Rajesh. She asked whether we both had coffee together. I smiled at the fact that my fiancé didn't even know that he had to make an offer for a cup of coffee. Somehow I liked that. Even now I tease him about it and he says that he didn't know a thing about dating and how come I didn't tell him either. He remembers what I wore that day and how I looked. Every time we pass that place where he picked me from he mentions it.

 He had to join back in the first week of May. We started sending emails to each other. I would wait to hear from him, would read the sms that he would send while at a port over and over again, in fact my phone couldn’t store so much of data so I started writing all the sms in a diary. It was a time for communication.

He came back home after 4 months. Our wedding date was fixed for December 14^th 2005. This was our real courtship we learnt everything about each other, about our families and the love grew into trust and friendship. I also learnt that he too had met a few of the proposals for him and nothing created that ‘wow’ factor for him. When his mother asked him to meet me, he had said that this was the last girl he was seeing. He often teases me with save the best for the last. I thank God for being that ‘last girl”. Finally the D- day arrived and we had one of the perfect weddings! Typical North Indian affair going into several days. As I moved into his home I felt that I knew everything as we had talked about it all. Though we are from different communities, the difference was hardly felt. We were blessed with our elder son Arnnav in 2006 and younger son Abhinav was born in 2009. We both feel that ours was an arranged love match! We have learnt to appreciate not just each other’s opinions and beliefs but also each other’s interests. He has been my biggest critique and a true friend. We do have our differences and our dose of couple fights but what remains is we have immense respect for each other as individuals and we take pride in each other’s achievements. So for me arranged love marriage is the best!

This story is written for LoveYaArrange contest on indibloggers,

www.facebook.com/LoveYaArrange.