Can't say goodbye to my sailor!

The making of a queen

I recently discovered that a sailor’s wife is actually called a Queen! Late discovery but the feel of it has been there for ages. After the late discovery…. why is it sounding like a late harvest to me? May be I am putting all those moments as ingredients for making a good wine! Wine has clarity, taste, body, maturity and something unique to it in terms of being sweet, woody, earthy, or may be just plain dry! Let’s see what has made this wine strong, if it can be called so!

We were travelling across the state of Kerala (India) after our marriage. We spent almost half a month there. It was my choice for a honeymoon destination, over hubby's Maldives beach holiday. Reason? I’ve grown up in Kerala and love its people and culture. Childhood memories and growing up years are always special. I wanted him to connect with the place I had so many fond memories of.

In fact I use every opportunity to travel to the state and at every time possible! 

We were at the ancient palace at Trivandrum, the capital of Kerala, clicking pictures like newly married couples do, and other tourists would offer to click some for us. There were no selfies those days, you see! An elderly lady who was sitting there, reminiscing in the beauty of the palace was watching us. She told my husband to always treat me like a queen. I really liked the way she said it, that brought a smile on his face and I could see sincerity and love in his eyes. It’s been many years but I have remained his queen, he never ceases to treat me like one. 

A queen has to always hold her head high 

Where does the strength come from? I guess it's just harnessed from within. She has to play multiple roles that of a wife, mother, son to the in laws and man of the house most of the times in her sailor's absence. The most difficult time for her is when the sailor is all set to join back on work. 

It isn’t any easy for him either. He starts preparing for it weeks in advance. It's more of an emotional preparation rather than collecting items on the packing list or completing errands on the 'to do' list. He’s going to be away from family, his near and dear ones for long. He may get to speak to them but it won’t be that regular. His children are going to achieve small milestones that he might miss. He also would miss the little family events children’s or his spouse’s birthdays, his anniversary or the festivities. He’s going to be away from all of the little joys of life. He prepares in his heart and mind to detach and be ready for the call of his duty. He knows he’s doing all this for his family, for their happiness. He thinks like a provider. The logic gets the better of him and the sailor is all set to go, sign on for his duty.

The queen prepares herself too. Showing all the strength that she can and keeping a smile on her face, assuring her man that she'll be fine and so will be everything else.

On a deeper level she starts missing him right from the moment there is an intimation of his joining back, missing him even before he left. Trying to, soak in as much as she could. Making him talk just to hear his voice, looking at his face and make a mental note of every fine line that might have appeared. Every mole that might have pronounced itself and see how broad his smile could get. These are the things that'll keep her going month after month till she meets her man again. This wait will never be easy but it'll certainly be 'worth it' in every single way!

Distance is to love like wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great!

The distance is just a matter of separating two in physicality but the hearts are connected. This connection strengthens the relationship and the love grows deeper. The countdown begins the day he leaves home and every passing day brings him closer home; with the hope of fair winds and following seas always.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it. ~ Helen Rowland

PS: pictures are taken from google with due credits

Professions and Relationships- is there any connection?

I had written an article for the Mariners Galaxy a portal that has it's tagline as Maritime world at one place.  Here's the article for you. This happens to be one of my most shared articles on the portal. It was litled, " Am so brave coz I am a sailor's wife".

It’s certainly being brave being a wife; no matter whose! 

Am sure you've heard the saying, Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I haven't read the book though, by the same title written by John Gray. It was always on the back burner and still remains there! May be one day soon I shall grab a copy and read it. 

Also, have heard that, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus but they suffer on Earth!

Coming to the point, how being married itself is being brave. I am certainly not an expert on the subject but I do have a Martian in my life.... actually three if the little Martians can be counted in the list! My first experience with this Martian was when we met for the first time, almost 13 years ago. Yes, we liked each other, when we got talking he spoke only his negatives. I wondered how someone couldn't think of anything positive in him, quite contrary to the general expression by most men. They try to impress the lady, may be this Martian had marriage on mind so he hit the nail on the head. If it struck it was good otherwise all was well; must have been the thoughts in his mind. It did work and worked how.....we are married!

I have read articles/ blogs/ queries coming from sailors’ wives and most of them have the tone, that of being brave, making supreme sacrifices or that of being different. All women are different! People are different including identical twins! Some common ones expressed by shippy wives are:

1. Loneliness’

Sailors wives have to be alone most of the times or for months together. That's true for all wives whose husbands are in the armed forces, paramilitary, police, are doctors or hoteliers for that matter. They are away generally and on important dates, they'll certainly be away! That doesn't make us much different isn't it?

2. Sailors are the best

Sailors are human beings and they can be good or not so good. Profession doesn't really have a bearing on one's character. Sailors are certainly good at multi tasking and have many skills. Agree they are great guys who can do almost everything and can get along with almost everyone. In their profession too they work with different nationalities and different teams on every contract. This makes them amicable and tolerant. You are certainly lucky if you managed to get the best out of them (I mean men here)

3. Love story

A write up by a shippy wife will always be on her love story. Have read so many love stories of the sailors, in their better halves' versions. Are people really interested in knowing how you met and what you did? All love stories have all the elements of a blockbuster and a sailor story is no different. It does have a dash of long distance romance but that garnish comes with the dishes churned out by many other professions such as marketing or IT for instance.

4. Sailor's queen

Every man worth his salt will ensure that his wife is treated, as well as lives the life befitting a queen. I personally feel a sailor's wife does most of the things on her own when her husband is away. She doesn't depend on a battery of servants to manage things for her. She is much more than a queen. She becomes a master, just like many other women who manage their homes, work and lives in general. 

I am asked so often, how do I deal being married to a sailor who is away from home for months. I think it's a choice I made.  I chose the man and he came as a 'package' that had his family, his profession and his identity. I am an independent woman, have my career, my children and my family. I am an equal half to my husband so we need to work together and manage our work and home front just like any other couple. 

A girl who is in a relationship with a sailor and wants to walk down the aisle with him must not be scared of the misinformed notions surrounding him by virtue of his profession. But must think of it being like any other relationship where the husband is away for a few months. It becomes a long distance relationship then, having its own pros and cons. The biggest being, distance makes the hearts grow fonder.

All husband-wife relationships involve love, respect, caring and sharing. Professions may have a little bearing on that but not overtly. Relations are more of understanding, mutual respect and to accept each other's differences. So prioritizing and celebrating those differences is the key. 

All husband-wife relationships involve love, respect, caring and sharing. Professions may have a little bearing on that but not overtly. Relations are more of understanding, mutual respect and to accept each other's differences. Men and women think differently, their brains are wired differently. Men will talk straight and women will look for some emotional 'aw moments' in them. They are genetically designed to read between the lines and they do a lot of that; whereas men will go by what is being said. This can be a little point of difference. It is this point that generally leads to the fall out or may be even  a break up. Toilet seat can lead to a furore, whether it has to be kept up or down! Life is certainly not that bowl; so prioritizing is the key. 

PS: pictures are taken from Google with due credits!

How love happened to us......

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.~ Lao Tzu

It was 2004, I was focusing on my career and education and not really looking at marriage. Parents had asked me to tell them if I had someone in mind, what they wanted to know was if I was seeing someone. I didn’t and I told them so. It went on for a couple of years, parents always respected my choice never forcing me to accept a proposal just like that. One fine day, since I wasn't talking about anyone to my parents they fixed a meeting with Rajesh, through my mother’s friend circle. We both are from the defence background and our mothers had common friends. He was invited to our place with his parents. After tea with family the elders asked both of us to go to my room and speak to each other. Funny but this is how it is in arranged marriages in India!

We both were casually dressed, just being ourselves nothing to impress anyone, and we got talking. He was frank and spoke everything  negative that he thought he had. I was told that he was a Physics graduate, a First officer in the Merchant Navy and the eldest of his siblings. Extremely intelligent, having a good personality and very down to earth. I was weighing him on all those parameters. What made me really pay attention to him was that he didn’t speak of any of his positive qualities, or any 'quality' for that matter!  He only highlighted negatives about him and his profession which was so contrary to the usual talk of saying all things nice. I found him interesting and of course different…. No sparks flew!

After the meeting, mom asked me about Rajesh and I told her that he was okay. She would’ve conveyed it to his mother. Then I didn’t hear anything of him. Our mothers felt that we were a good match and were trying to push things from their side, he went sailing and I was back into my routine work. I didn’t feel like seeing any other 'proposal' read it as another gentleman, after that. Then, one fine day in the month of April while I was on my way to work, mom called me to say that Rajesh’s mother had called and that they both thought  we should get engaged that Friday, 22^nd  April 2004. I wasn’t pleased and I started arguing with her that I was working as a Lecturer in a professional college and it was exam time, how could I manage a leave? She started highlighting that it was a nice proposal and started complaining that I didn’t listen to her, the usual emotional talk. Giving in, I told her that I would try. On reaching college I walked straight to the principal’s office requesting for leave that Friday saying that I was getting engaged and that even I got to know just then! We made some changes in the practical schedule and I got the leave sanctioned. In the evening my brother and I were going looking for a venue for the engagement. As we were driving, my brother  asked me whether I was happy. I told him that it was," Okay"….he stopped the car , told me what else did I want, being from the shipping industry himself he said that Rajesh was a great guy, he had a good personality, he was earning well and he was a fabulous human being. It should not be just okay but I should feel happy about it. I accepted that and my confused mind started to settle a bit.... Probably this was the first platinum moment for me!... special indeed.

We fixed a venue for our engagement, mothers were very happy as our horoscopes had matched perfectly. Everyone was gearing up for the engagement. I called up my friends and told them that I was getting engaged in 3 days. Everyone was surprised but happy for me at the same time. Finally I met my would- be on our engagement day. It was a traditional ceremony with family and close friends. At the time of exchanging rings we found that the sizes were not correct, mine was a bit too tight and his a bit loose. This could have been the result of exchanging the ring sizes on phone, later got to know that the jewellers do not have standard or universal ring sizes and there can be variations. I loved my ring, a nice diamond band but it didn't fit well...in fact we don't wear those rings, they are kept safely! 

He had to join back on work in the first week of May. I didn't even go to see him off at the airport, we just spoke on the phone. When he reached the vessel, he sent me the vessel email address and we started communicating through emails. Not too many as the vessel internet was with the captain and others received a print out of their emails.I would wait to hear from him, would read the sms that he would send while at a port, over and over again; in fact my phone couldn’t store so much of data so I started writing all the sms in a diary. This was platinum moment two!

He came back home after 4 months. Our wedding date was fixed for December 14^th 2005. This was our real courtship we learnt almost everything about each other, about our families and thefriendship grew into trust and love. I also got to know that he too had met a few of the 'proposals' that had come for him and that nothing created that ‘wow’ moment. When his mother asked him to meet me, he had said that I was the last girl he was seeing. He often teases me with, save the best for the last! I thank God for being that ‘last girl'. Finally the D- day arrived and we had one of the perfect weddings! Typical North Indian affair going into several days. As I moved into his home I found our room to be a replica of my room in my parent's house. I was touched beyond words, Rajesh had got the room renovated to make it look just like the one that I was used to living in. That was my platinum moment three!
When I saw the new Asian paints ad recently where they show Capt. Rathore's house, I felt that Capt. Todiwan did that way back in 2005. I felt that I knew everything in my new home as we had talked about it all. Though we are from different communities, the differences were hardly felt. We were blessed with our elder son Arnnav in 2006 and the younger one, Abhinav was born in 2009.

We got busy with our lives, didn't realise how time flew....  Captain sails four months, when he is away from home the communication is generally through emails, now he has the vessel internet so no print outs! He also calls through satellite phone when the vessel is in the mid seas and through calling cards while at a port. This time, he arranged WiFi on board and we chatted on Skype for the first time... this was certainly platinum moment four! 

Yes, we have come a long way indeed from the humble, far and between sms to talking on skype. It was such a pleasure to see my husband onboard going about his regular errands and also getting to see his office and cabin. These things may sound just a matter of fact but for me they are the platinum moments. 

We don't wear our engagement rings but this time when Captain is back home, I shall get the platinum love bands celebrating the eternal love, trust and friendship that we share and that shall be our Platinum Day of Love! We have had numerous platinum moments as these are the little things that make a relationship beautiful.

This post is written for IndiBlogger Platinum Day of Love

Picture 1. - Rajesh and I on Arnnav's 5th birthday
Picture 2 - Capt. Rajesh Todiwan, onboard the vessel.

In love with the idea of being in love!

Was watching 'Jab tak hai Jaan'. In fact watched the movie twice. Something that I heard from my English teacher in school, came back to my mind and made me think. Can't recollect in what context she had said that, "people are in love just with the idea of being in love". I guess there was a story in our English textbook  while explaining it she had said that. I have thought about it quite often but was never able to really understand what it was. While I saw this movie I kind of get what it meant.

As young girls, I think we were in the 8th standard then, we used to have a library hour every week, where the entire class would go to the library and read books, look at the magazines and newspapers. We got our hands on a few Barbara Cartland books.  

Dame Mary Barbara Hamilton Cartland,(9 July 1901 – 21 May 2000), was an English author, one of the most prolific authors of the 20th century. As Barbara Cartland she is known for her numerous fictional romantic novels, but she also wrote under her married name Barbara McCorquodale. 

We used to read the last few pages of the book and all of us would be in love with her hero, the character in the novel. Our library had about six of her books and we had read all of them. It was a group activity!

Then was the time for Mills and Boon, 10th standard vacation reading. We had a long vacation after the 10th standard and the Mills and Boon series was what most of the girls read. Again there was this hero, from each story that we would be in love with. I guess this is true for most of the girls that age. Read quite a few novels, in fact we had taken membership at the local library and could easily finish about two novels each day. Was such a major time pass activity. I guess the boys that age used to be out doors playing cricket, football or tennis. They had their own set of activities and hobbies to manage. Yes that generation didn't have the social networking and no phones. So it was different growing up then, the present generation, Y or Z  can never even imagine that kind of life.

Yes MBs (as we used to call the Mills and Boon) were passe by the time we did our 12th standard and went to college. During that time, we read different books may be the classics by Jane Austen, or the contemporary ones like Danielle Steel, Agatha Christie or Robert Ludlum. The most popular among the girls was Danielle Steel, we just loved her novels. 

Danielle Steel (born August 14, 1947) is an American novelist, currently the bestselling author alive and the fourth bestselling author of all time, with over 800 million copies sold.Based in California for most of her career, Steel has produced several books a year, often juggling up to five projects at once. All her novels have been bestsellers, including those issued in hardback.Her formula is fairly consistent, often involving rich families facing a crisis, threatened by dark elements such as jail, fraud, blackmail and suicide.Steel has also published children's fiction and poetry, as well as raising funds for the treatment of mental illness. Her books have been translated into 28 languages, with 22 adapted for television, including two that have received Golden Globe nominations.

Then this generation of women, got into the career mode followed by family mode. Some of them found their men just out from those novels that we read or pretend that they were those characters with a little difference here and there.

For me, all time favourite has been, Something wonderful by Judith McNaught. This is certainly not the best book that I have read but it somehow remains a favourite. The story is of Jordan and Alexandra. Jordan was my idea of a perfect man. I read that book many times then one fine day gave it away as it was becoming more of a distraction in the house. Going through the nitty gritties of an arranged marriage, at the pre- stage the ideal that I kept looking for was 'Jordan'. I guess that is what,  in love with the idea of being in love is. 

Jab Tak Hai Jaan, again not the best movie that I have watched but it did answer a few questions for me and that's how I liked the movie. Yes my 'Jordan' did watch it with me.

PS

I'll keep with my promise of writing about Abhilash Tomy in my posts till he is back from his historic voyage.

(Abhilash Tomy is attempting to be the first Indian on a solo non stop unassisted circumnavigation of the globe)

Here's a hero, in the real sense and not from the novels who is set out to challenge his own capabilities.

To know more about Lt. Cdr Tomy and his boat the Mhadei, follow the link below.

Check:  www.sagarparikrama2.blogspot.com

             www.Facebook.com/www.mhadei.co.in

The current position of Mhadei