Coming to where I started, our conversation, mom in law's friend's son had separated from his wife and the reason apparently was that she didn't want to stay with his parents leading to a situation,"Either them or me". This was not one odd incident but have heard of quite a few in the recent times. Its unfortunate that people end a beautiful relationship based on such reasons. Assuming that's the reason though! I guess people try everything possible to make things work before they decide to quit or leave.
We are living in the times where each one of us has an opinion and expresses it at the drop of a hat. There's big data generated and is readily available for use. Who are these opinion makers? They are mostly the people who are single, not favouring marriage either as an institution or as a lived experience; married people who are either pro arranged marriages or the ones who strongly favour the love marriages. These people never lose any opportunity to stereotype marriages or married couples. This can be a classic example of, life is simple but we insist on making it complicated. It is said that life is the toughest exam and most of the people fail because they copy others but the fact remains that each gets a different question paper!
I am not an expert on relationships, so looked at my own life, its easy to take pages out from there. Probably to see what created and cemented the relationship and bonds around me.
Ours is an arranged marriage, me coming from a small family and brought up not typically like the girls of my generation were. Someone who was independent, who had been given all freedom to choose what she liked and be what she wanted to be. I am forever grateful to my parents for that.
When I was moving to my in laws house, my dad was extremely emotional and he said just one thing to me, "Now you have another set of parents, love them just the way you loved us" Nothing else. That has been my takeaway; the most precious possession I carried with me. Today I understand that better.
Its never easy or smooth going for any girl moving to another household. There are differences, more than that the girl is different in the sense that she moves to another role. From being a daughter she graduates to a daughter in law. Not that the man doesn't feel the change, in fact some are so scared that they don't want to get into the institution of marriage at all. All thanks to the stereotypes created around them and my husband was one so I know.
Law becomes an integral part of her personality. She needs to make her own rules for that law book. That'll involve time, understanding, observing, seeking guidance, following a mentor and so on... the list can be as expansive or as crisp as she likes. It not only takes time, intent and patience to achieve but is also an ongoing process. Its like an SOP that needs review and updates regularly. Relationships need nurturing, period!
How did I make my imaginary rule book?
My husband and I are persons of quite different construction, bent and of dissimilar views. To say opposites attract will hold good in our case too. Attract is one thing but remaining attracted is quite another. Over the years we have learnt to respect each other's views, personalities and ideologies. We try not to interfere or create influence on each others lives anymore. This has taken time and our energies to reach where we are today. Husband is taken care of what about in laws?
When I came into the new household, I just did whatever I understood from my dad's precious gift, his advice. Tried not to interfere be it in the rules of the family, the kitchen or the decor of the house. My room was my perspective but the rest of the house would continue to be getting the patronage from Mom in law. Biggest family feuds happen in the kitchen they say.
Non interference and respect for each others opinion has been the strength in my family. In laws have treated me like a daughter in fact even better, I only put them at the same place as my own parents.
Infact over the years, have realised that we are quite dependent on each other emotionally, we seek suggestion, support and even take decision as a team? So its me and my in laws as a team, at times even husband in not in the picture! I believe, to get cent per cent from relations you need to give ten times more. Its an investment, that has plentiful rewards, above all it gives happiness and creates harmony.
So the people who have not lived in the system, can never know the joys of it from a distance. Not having invested enough time you walk out with too little, at times it could only be half baked. That haste can break the relationship as it happens in some cases.
Living with in laws has so many pluses that one must consider a blessing and truly His grace bestowed on you! It gives you the freedom to pursue what you desire never having to worry about who'll be behind managing things back home. You must also give room to the their freedom, step in whenever needed. Children have a balance and healthy environment to grow up in. They learn the values of respect, love, caring, sharing all simply while growing up. Humility is automatically instilled in them. Living in a bigger family system, children learn and know by observation rather than pasting family trees in their school notebooks. They live as a branch of that tree that has deep strong roots built by every member contributing to the purpose. A great family or a relationship is the one where each one takes your problem as his or her own and you are never left to face it alone. Wouldn't victory come to that relationship or the family?
The older you get the more you realise that it isn't about material things, ego or pride but its about the things in your hearts and who it beats for. If caught in a tricky situation when it comes to relationships, one must tackle that fear as Face Everything And Rise rather than 'forget everything and run'.
Invest in people who invest in you and time is that commodity or the asset. There's certainly no other way to invest in a relationship without investing your time!
PS: Pictures are taken from google, with due credits for representational purpose.
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